Well, in a nut shell, I'm just really confused and not sure what to do.
Since I was about 15 every fall I find myself looking up stuff on Wicca and getting back to sites like this. It's like some really strong pull that I start to notice near the beginning of fall, and it gets stronger until the beginning of winter when I start to decide I'll put these things behind me. It's become a yearly cycle that I can't seem to undo.
Being Wiccan or loving magick isn't something I would normally choose because it forces me to go behind my husbands back, which is not something I like to do. So, inevitably, I end up pushing it aside, but I'm never really rid of it.
I'm trying to figure out how to put it into a specific question or what help I'm really looking for, but it's difficult to define. Some questions might be: why is it a predictable yearly cycle? If I can't leave this behind me, what is it I'm supposed to be doing?
I don't know if anyone has some advise for a crazy person like me, but any council would be apreciated.
Blessings,
Sara

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I guess that's part of the problem. I don't really know what "I want". I've looked into Wicca and magick tried meditation, rituals, spells, and tarot; but I've never had that "aha" moment where it felt like a good fit. I always assumed that was just because I can't put my whole heart into it. I know that guilt holds me back.
Most people spend years growing in their path, but I have a couple months each year before I back away again. I can never seem to grow or move forward, but I also can't get away entirely either. I'm just tired of history repeating itself. I need to figure out why I can't seem to ever let go for good no matter how hard I try.
I guess this isn't the normal kind of request. Most people probably ask how to learn more and all that and here I am asking why I can't get away. Irony, got to love it.

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For now I am a lost wanderer searching for an answer that is always a shadow illusively taunting from the corner of my mind.

if you can't get rid of it embrace it? this is going to be tricky simply because every one's path is different. Personally I would try to figure out what holds me back and what pulls me towards it and focus on those two aspects to determine which direction i would want to follow. Again I for myself prefer to be alone outside in the woods when I am looking for answer, kind of like a walking meditation, preferably early in the morning (well the 5am part is more my dog's preference...)

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timendi causa est nescire

I'm not sure if I can provide any real council, but I can relate on the 'yearly cycle' thing. I have a cycle that starts about October/November and ends about springtime where I am all about spirituality and Neo-Paganism. Heck, that's the time where you'll find all of my Magicka activity if you look at my history.

Seriously, though, if you ask me where my religious and spiritual views are in July, I would say 'meh, I'm agnostic', even atheist sometimes if I'm in a cynical mental space. Ask me in November I would say something along the lines of elemental Neo-Paganism with some Indian (India) influences and practices. Some years I even go vegetarian for the winter because I feel the pull to.

I'm sure you'll find that you have your personal reasons for coming back to Wicca every fall, and perhaps the reason might be along the lines of what Micheal said. I have found that as the sunlight is hidden from equinox to equinox I find spirituality a relief from the mental shenanigans I go through with the lack of sunlight (depression, anxiety, etc.). I might not be super spiritual year round but I have found that the Goddess is there when I need her and I don't find anything wrong with that at all.

I do have to ask though--does your husband have religious or personal open aversions to Wicca or do you feel self-conscious about him knowing that you're studying something a little off the beaten path? I'm kind of the latter, where my husband has nothing against me having different spiritual practices, though he thinks I'm a bit weird from time to time (which is hardly untrue ). I really hope that your studies are not a 'divorce point' for your relationship since that would really interfere with your spiritual experimentation and therefore your growth. It sounds like your guilt is already interfering with you.

In any case, I know you'll find your way and find your answers. And happy Samhain, in case I forget.

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Thank you all for taking the time to help me sort through my mess.
With my husband it is very much a religious thing. We are deeply involve in our church, even running a whole department. I had confided in him years ago when we were still dating, and well the look on his face and the emotions that went through him were very strong. We ended up taking all my writing and things related to wicca and burned them in the woods. My guilt holds me back from being able to even meditate properly, and if I could just put this part of me behind I would have.
Obviously there has to be some reason I'm drawn back so strongly. I just have no clue what it could be.

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For now I am a lost wanderer searching for an answer that is always a shadow illusively taunting from the corner of my mind.

You know, Wiccans meditate, obviously, but meditation itself is not solely a Wiccan/Witch thing. Millions of people world-wide meditate who have nothing to do with the Craft, so there should be no guilt associated with meditation for you. As well, I know people who use the Tarot, teach the Tarot and are professional readers who have nothing to do with Wicca/Witchcraft.

I feel the same as Michael - this is the time of year when Witchcraft and the occult are more accepted and talked about because of Samhain. And there IS something about this time of year that opens the psychic channels and, of course, at Samhain the veil between the worlds is thinner and sensitive people can become aware of psychic/spirit activity.

Have you tried talking to your husband and explaining the beliefs of Wiccans/Witches? Perhaps if he understood more and realized we're not evil people nor do we do evil things he would relax a bit and lose some of his fear, and even if he didn't want to join you in your spiritual path at least you could be free to practice as you wish.

Perhaps you're being drawn back to it every year because your guides are telling you that it's truly supposed to be your path. Taking a walk in Nature as IS02 mentioned is a great idea and that's how I often sort out my feelings or make important decisions (although my dog would be getting some sort of obedience lesson if she dragged me out at 5am, lol)

I think you owe it to yourself to try to figure things out, you can't live a peaceful and fulfilled life unless you're true to yourself, I believe

Anyway, just my two cents' worth.

Briganta

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Merry Meet,

I sympathize with your plight. I have a similar situation, except that my husband knows and accepts my path. It's the rest of my family who are afraid of it. The Christian faith I was raised under made me afraid of it too, but I had the same interest pulling at me every year. It's hard to feel like you have to hide parts of who you are, things you love. My mom asks me every time I see her when I'm going to start going to church again. I'm running out of acceptable answers for her. I've just recently gotten over the guilt of "betraying" my family's beliefs. I am who I am though. Some day they will know and even if they don't approve, I know they will always love me.

It seems like hiding it from your husband is unacceptable for you because you feel the guilt. I personally don't think it's a good idea to hide things from your spouse and I'm impressed with your willingness to confide in him previously. Keep in mind that he still married you after that and didn't try to cast demons out of you or anything. He reacted with fear, but cared enough to try to help you the way he thought was best.

I agree with IS02 and Briganta. Take long walks in Nature. Enjoy that pull you feel every year, meditate on it. Jesus took walks and meditated, so it's not a pagan thing and you need not feel like you're betraying anyone or anything. If you can, try to slowly bring up the topics of things you learn about with your husband. Introduce your thoughts in a nonthreatening way to him. You know how to communicate with him best. Read up on how to "come out of the broomcloset". There's a thread about it in the Witched Moot board I believe. Your husband loves you for who you are. He may not understand it, but he might accept it eventually. You never know unless you try.

I wish you luck and blessings on your journey!

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The tricky thing in your situation is that you already told your husband while dating and then burned all the material you had showing him you had no further interest. To me it sounds the Christian faith is almost like a condition of your marriage if not expressed at least implied. It appears at some time you will have decide which fork in the road you will have to take. This is not easy. Relationships have ended over less than that. In many ways I think your decision is made though. Just by you being here it shows me where you want to go. It's just a mater of daring to go and again that is one of the hardest things you may have to do...

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timendi causa est nescire

I totally agree with all posts before, but I'd suggest that you ask for a sign in order to decide what to do. This is not an easy decision,given the importance of the issue, and I think that a bit of help from the divinity - whichever that might be - would clear the things.

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I can see your problem. The only way I can see for you to be is to be yourself. If it seems to be a seasonal thing, then go with it, accept it and see where it leads seasonally. When the seasons change and you start letting go, let it be okay. I have to add that since you are so affected by the seasons, earth based spirituality seems to be your thing. Getting close to nature is good advice.

If your spouse is Christian, I'd look into Christian mysticism--There's a free book on kindle by that title and it tends to scare Christians less than Christian witchcraft, Christian Wicca or the 'W' words by themselves. Also, the fear and loathing that some Christians feel for the metaphysical is really just ignorance. Once they know and understand your beliefs a bit better, I've found acceptance (more or less) follows. In the Witches' Moot forum here, you can find some discussions about coming out of the broomcloset and Christian Wicca that might help you on your path. Best of luck and Magicka is here for you!

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Blessings to All

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Thank you all so much for your help. I really appreciate your council.
I started to really think about some of the changes I have already made in my own life and realized that I've been changing the mindsets of people around me for years. The biggest change has been in my mother, who I inherited my spiritual gifts from. She used to be totally against believing in any kind of "energy", and now she is totally comfortable going to a school of natural healing for massages that include Reiki. Also, my close friends and family don't get weird when I talk about meditation or visualization as a form of healing and stress relief.
I guess I just have to accept that the road to balance can get tiring. The fire sign in me wishes there was some quick easy answer, but that is hardly realistic.
So I guess another question would be, how do you recover a gift thats lost? I used to have a gift that as a child and teen was frightening to me, and at some point a managed to "over-come my curse". Once you've called a gift a curse, is there anyway to get it back?
I want to grow spiritualy, but even though my church believes in spiritual gifts they don't teach how to develop or use them. I'm totally clueless as to what to do to get spiritually stronger.

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For now I am a lost wanderer searching for an answer that is always a shadow illusively taunting from the corner of my mind.

It's so great when subtle shifts start happening. Makes things so much easier and stress-free!!!

I had a gift that I believed was a curse, but I felt so sad when I realized it was gone. All I had to do to reclaim it was simply that. I claimed it, welcomed it, accepted it, thought about it a lot, and loved it as part of me. Eventually, it came back and got stronger.

Close your eyes, remember the feeling the gift gave you when you used it, hold the feeling close to your heart, and smile. Smiling is a positive response. The more you relate the feeling to a positive response, the happier that feeling will make you. The happier you are about it, the more you will do it. I hope that makes sense. It's the psychologist in me speaking, and I'm not a psychologist!

Can I ask what the gift was??? You've made me curious.

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My gift was that I could not just sense ghosts, spirits, demons, whatever you want to call them; but I could see them clearly sometimes as well. I never met any nice ones though. I guess the reason I always thought of it as a curse was because, without fail, they all hated me with a passion. I only heard one speak clearly to me and he told me that he hated me. I was hit and pushed a couple times, but mostly they would take on forms to terrify me. At least that is what it seemed like to a child who thought she was being haunted by demons.
You might wonder why I would want that back, but when I lost my gift it was like my soul was shut off. I was suddenly blind spritually. I went from being able to sense spirits, emotions of others, and even predict things instictivly - to silence. It felt like a part of me died and I haven't been able to really get back what was lost.

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For now I am a lost wanderer searching for an answer that is always a shadow illusively taunting from the corner of my mind.

If you wish to start working with your gift again I would suggest that first of all you learn to set up some wards, learn to protect yourself. When you're getting ready to practice put white (or some people like lavendar etc.) light around yourself, use a protective stone, cast a circle etc. and say that you welcome only friendly spirits and command any negative energies/spirits to stay away.

Nowadays there are courses offered all over the place on mediumship, channelling etc. which should help you.

Briganta

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